Lifelong Challenge

Well, a few quick notes about my running and then I'm going to move onto something I need to get off my chest. The half marathon is coming up in a couple of weeks and honestly I am more scared than excited. Is it too late to back out? No? Alright, I'll do it then :) The 10k I did a few weeks ago at Fort Buenaventura was soooo hard. Granted, it was a trail run with natural terrain obstacles and a crap-load of stairs, not to mention a river to wade through, so by the time I was done I felt like my legs were going to give out underneath me. I had to walk a lot more than I would have liked, but as I like to say, I am still passing the people on the couch! My time was horribly slow, I think it took me and hour and thirty three minutes, but whatever. AND I got to do it with one of my best friends, Jordan. She's an animal, she finished in a little over an hour. We've been through so much together, through thick and thin, and this experience was just one more fun experience to add to the mix.

Okay, so moving onto a heavier topic. I've had this issue I've struggled with my entire life, and I can sum it up in one word: FAIRNESS. This one word has many facets though. Maybe I can straighten it out in my head by straightening it out via blog.

I would say the word first came to mean something to me in elementary school when I got my first taste of bullying. It just wasn't fair that I got bullied and teased and lied to. After all, I was a good person and a good friend. Why didn't my friends realize that and stop teasing me? Why did I care so much and let them hurt me so bad? Why did I have to find new friends to finally stop the torment? It isn't fair that any child should be bullied, especially when they didn't do anything to bring it upon themselves.

As I got a little older I realized that it wasn't just me that got hurt, that everyone gets hurt, I began to get angry that the sorts of people that bring others down so they can feel better just never seem to reap what they sow. Karma is so slow! It just wasn't fair that these people get away with being mean to others, and nobody calls them out on it. Nobody yells at them and nobody leaves them. They just get to keep on with their feelings of superiority and they even keep their "friends" that suck up to them and play the game as well to earn the attention and affection of this mean person. Is that messed up or what?

And as I have grown into an adult and started to ponder on more important things, like my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the things I need to do during this short life on earth, my feelings about the word fairness have gotten both more and less complicated. Less complicated in that I know that there is a plan for all of us, and it isn't up to me to decide who gets punished for their wrongdoings, He must have meant for a lesson to be learned in there somewhere. But more complicated because now it seems like the people that should GET IT, that should truly understand why you should be a good person, are some of the meanest people I've ever had the misfortune of coming into contact with. They are people who CLAIM to be Christians, who CLAIM to understand what Jesus's life on this earth was all about and who count themselves as members of a religion that are supposed to always do what Jesus would do: love without prejudice, accept apologies and forgive and forget, pray for those that have hurt you, and always, ALWAYS, leave judgement for our Heavenly Father. I've known people like this my whole life, even been related to some of them, and I find it interesting that some of the most genuine, kind, sincere people I know are not members of any organized religion. Is it the pressure of seeming more worthy than everyone else?  Fear of standing up to someone because you don't want to become their target? The pressure of fitting into the mold? If that is the mold, I don't want to fit into it.

My struggle now, and probably will be for the rest of my life, is to understand how people can act so completely against what Jesus lived his life to show us to do. But you know what? I pray for them. I love them. It's not fair, and I don't like it, but they need help in the most profound of ways, for these kinds of people probably don't even realize how truly hurtful they are, so it's going to take awhile before they fix it. They hide behind self-rightousness and pride. And one day, when they do realize the damage that they have done, they are going to be really sad, and in those moments, they are going to need love and support and forgiveness. I pray that I will be more accepting of this lesson that I obviously need to learn. It just isn't in my hands, and feeling bad because the world isn't fair is only poison to my heart because HE didn't promise that it would be. He only promised that he would be here for us.

And in that vein, I want to say how much I love the people who have dealt with this kind of adversity, have been on the receiving end of such struggles, and come through it with grace and more importantly, nothing bad to say about their tormenters.  I say thank you for setting an example for me of how to not only survive it, but to grow from it and be some of the most beautiful people I get to spend my time with. My mother is the most amazing person I know, inside and out, and without her tormenters and her struggles, she would not be the shining diamond of an example she is to me today. My husband has every reason in the world to hold onto hate and grief for many reasons, but he has the most amazing sense of humor, and such a love for his fellow man that he is willing to put his life on the line for strangers. My sisters have had so many experiences with adversity, but they aren't bitter or self-pitying, they are loving and intelligent, with beautiful children and loving husbands. I'm glad they got married first and had children first, for they have set such an example for me. My sister-in-law has the worst luck in the world! But she keeps picking herself up and carrying on, all the while laughing and giggling. She has the most infectious personality, she just draws your happiness to the surface. What a gift! With people like this around me, I can only be a better person. So I guess what I need to do is always focus on the positive, not on the negative. Count my blessings, as the saying goes, and in my case, the blessings are people. I love you all, and I hope you are reading this in case I haven't told you lately :)